Saturday, January 05, 2008

Realizations

This is the time of year when people reflect on the past, and then look to the future. Many of us make resolutions. We resolve to stop (or start) doing something. But how many of us actually live up to these promises we make to ourselves year after year...after year?


Sure, some of them are fun...like knitting resolutions..but what about the more serious things we all hold inside of us? The secrets? The pain? Dare I say it????



The baggage.

Does anyone ever resolve to try and let go of some of the crap they got hidden inside? Or is it all about the superficial.

(Ex: Instead of getting help for my depression I am going to resolve to lose weight this year).

Now sorry, I don't mean to offend. But I know I am not the only one trying to avoid my real issues.

Because lets face it, everyone has baggage of some type of another. Some of us have a small carry-on, while others of us have the matching 5 piece designer set. (Yeah, I'm the latter.)



For a long time now I have been known to say, " We all have baggage, we are just looking for those who have matching luggage." Cute huh? What a great way to make lite of something that in reality can be quite serious.



I am sure you are all saying, "OK, OK, Mel..would you stop trying to bring us all down? Give us some happy knitting pictures, or tell us a funny story."



I will get to that, soon.



But for now, I want to come clean about some things.

This past month I have had a lot of time to think. And when the New Year came around and I was going to sit and do my resolutions..I realized I couldn't. I was to fogged up in my head. And I knew I had to find some clarity before I could make plans for my future.

So here go's nothing...from here on out peeps, I am shooting from the hip.

I have avoided this blog because I don't have anything positive to say, and I can't lie anymore. It's hard enough to put on a game face in real life..I don't have the energy to lie on my blog as well.



The truth is..I am sad. I am lonely. The people I have called friends for the last 8 months (or so) are for the most part idiots. They are the type that will suck you dry. You give and give and give..and they only want more. Never thinking to give in return.



And I realize it is out of my desperation, my NEED, to not feel alone and to be accepted, that I have allowed these negative influences into my life.



I have lost myself. And to be honest, I don't know if I ever really found myself in the first place.



I have pushed away those that truly care about me. And I am so ashamed of myself that people who could be good for me? I close off from. I worry that if they really knew me they wouldn't like me anymore.



I do think I am a good person. I know I have a good heart. I get told all the time from people how much they appreciate my positive, spunky, self-assured attitude (enter game face here). And yes, that is who I WANT to be.



If only I could let go of some of this crap inside of me. If only I could stop doing things that made me feel bad about myself, just because I didn't want to be alone.



So yeah, lately I have had a lot of time for self-reflection. I got the nasty head cold that everyone has been talking about. And believe me, it sucks.



But it's more then that. I spent Thanksgiving with one of the "friends" I talked about above. I spent Christmas alone..til I went out later that evening. I spent New Years at work..and there was no one I wanted to kiss at midnight. Although trust me...that night is a story in itself..when I feel more upbeat I might share it with all of you.



And I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to push away the positive influences that come into my life. I don't want to be scared anymore.



I want to believe in myself again.



I want someone to believe in me.



Shit guys, this "getting in touch with your feelings" crap really sucks sometimes.



I miss B. I was not going to say that, but I know I need to. He has always been my friend, my confidante, my cheerleader..even after we broke up.



I knew if I needed him for anything..he would be there.



But not anymore. I miss him more then words can say. I hope he is happy and doing well in his life.



B, if you read this? I miss you my friend. And I am sorry.

6 comments:

visionsister said...

It's nice to see you back in the world. Sorry it sucks. I pm'd you on Ravelry.

Kellie said...

(((hugs))) Mel, congrats on the honesty. I would strongly (but gently) encourage you to seek professional help re your depressive symptoms - I'm a clinical psychologist so what else would I say! But also, I have been in the black pit myself on several very suck occasions (and I use 'occasion' to mean months!) and the best of us need a bit of chemical assistance and safe talking space to find ourselves again. Hang in there chickie xx

Miss Scarlett said...

Brave & honest post.

I've been there more times than a person should be. I think people do make these resolutions (though maybe not as many as should!) but just don't share them as easily as "I'm going to lose weight".

I have similar goals myself. It isn't easy, it's pretty terrible while you are slogging through it but the end is such a reward.
By it I mean - depression or whatever form your personal baggage takes.

I have a bag that I've checked a few times - but now and again it's sent back to me and I have to open it. I don't want to - but the longer I take, the harder it gets, the larger its presence is in my life.

I totally understand having people around just so you aren't alone - and pushing away good people. Yes. Our resolutions are pretty close to the same!

You might want to follow up on Kellie's advice. These are big issues and it helps to have someone to talk to who is clear and neutral and who only has your best interest in mind.

Sending you a big, big hug.
Michelle

Molly said...

Mel,

Send me an e. I have been to the edge myself. I think about you often as you are one of a very few I miss from the ESKG.

Molly

Yarn It said...

My heart goes out to you. I guess we all go through our hard times one way or another. I would have to agree with Kellie - sometimes getting help is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. It has helped me tremendously dealing with my divorce. Hugs out to you!

Anonymous said...

Mel, I miss you also. I care, and I always will. Please be good to yourself. You are beautiful and precious. Your pain is not an indicator of your worth. I love you.
B