Sunday, November 05, 2006

'Cuz there is nothing else to do...

Not having a man around during the later night hours makes me restless. I don't want to go to sleep yet (even though it is late and I work in the morning), not really motivated to knit (may try again after this post), and don't feel like turning on the boob tube or listening to more Harry Potter on CD.What do people do when they live alone?When B (not PC, not right now, just B) and I lived together, this would be the time we would say, "we should go to bed", or watch some late night TV...This was our "cuddle" time. (Not always x-rated, but true cuddling).Although he still hangs out with me, and sometimes stays over (again not x-rated, not right now), he leaves more then he stays, and I miss him.It's complicated, right now, he is staying with his dear grandmama (aka the wicked witch of the west...Or if you watch Gray's...McBitch!), oh yeah, she hates me...And I think in 20 months we have said about 25 words to each other! I made her a fricken scarf for Christmas last year, and she still thinks Im some black sheep with a heinous disease that has been possessed by the devil. I have been nothing but nice and polite to her...No effect what-so-ever.I don't care what she or any of his family thinks of me, him, or our relationship..But he does. Well, he cares what they think about him....And grandmama pays for his expensive private college tuition, which she threatened to stop doing when she found out about the engagement. See what I mean a Grade A Mc Bitch!Wow, what a rant. And there is more where this came from...But I will try to withhold a bit.I miss him. And I hate when I ask him to stay and he has to go home so grandmama won't be angry and change the locks on him (or tell his ANTie who will spread mean things about him to the rest of the family about how he takes advantage of dear grandmama).All I want is for him and me to be happy and live a good life together. I want him! Yes, I would love to have the Norman Rockwell family gatherings during the holidays and crap, but I did not have that growing up, so screw it. Besides, B and I could try to do that with our offspring, We have had enough lessons and wrong examples to try and avoid the bullpoop.I don't know what to do..I know B is stuck between a rock and a hard place ( I like to think I am the supportive rock holding him and you-know-who is the hardplace), but seriously, how long do I have to put up with this?When is enough enough? I am so tired of playing tug of war. I'm so sick of fighting for our future. I know he is trying, but it's not enough.I wish he could say F.U. and grow a pair. I know it's hard, but how can I respect him if he does not demand respect for himself? He let's these people walk all over him! (And me as well, through association.)Alone, writing a blog no one will read, drinking wine, and feeling sorry for myself. How pathetic!When all I want is to curl up between his chest and his arm, smelling him (he smells so good), and whisper I love you....And know that when I reach out in the middle of the night he will be there, when I wake up from a nightmare, he is there, HE IS THERE! Even when his snoring and twitching keeps me awake and I complain, he is there.For so long he was there, I used to brag about how we never spent a night apart...But that is no longer. That surety of "at least we will see each other in bed if nothing else", is no longer there.All that's left is a cold, lumpy, empty bed....And it's the last place I want to be right now.

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